Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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