On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
