I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
did i walk over a car last night?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
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Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
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She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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