I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
