Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You took a bar mat shot.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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