I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
