i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
