did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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