spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
