Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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