Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
