i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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