so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
