I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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