I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
