i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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