Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
