Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
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Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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