I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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