we have pet lesbian snakes
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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