Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
