I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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