No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need a beard to bite.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
