After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
