I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
