I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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