my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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