Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
