the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
