please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
