walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
