why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
