:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
