remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
