do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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