forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
