Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
