this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
