I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
