I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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