You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
