Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
