I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
