i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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