where am i from again
I showed him my bush... on skype.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
