I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
