my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
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They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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