I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
