I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
