my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
