while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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