I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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