Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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