I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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