i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
