Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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