I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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