I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
