atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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