I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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