Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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